The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
