So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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