It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
