oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She bit a glass in half.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
