She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
