totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I love you.
Bad choice
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
