Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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