dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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