I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize