i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
