I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
