all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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