So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
