Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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