Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
