i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?