There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
