sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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