Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
