I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
its liver damage thursday
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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