Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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