this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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