It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
