im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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