I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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