dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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