I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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