just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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