could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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