if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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