don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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