Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
