Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
