i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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