This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You took a bar mat shot.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
