I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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