So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
