she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
