everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
