Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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