i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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