Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
