ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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