batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
