batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
