He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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