Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
