He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You can't just leave with hair like that
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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