so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
