this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Text me some of your sweat
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
