What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't make out with my wife yet
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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