This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
