I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
