i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
