I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i think i have two assholes
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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