plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
