I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
