I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
