When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i was born a porn star she said
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
