no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's the barista slut.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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