I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
