k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
